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Funny/Dumb videos/Jokes -*Updated Daily*(well kind of)

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Postby Make-U-Spin » Thu May 31, 2007 7:33 pm

funny stuff

u gotta check this out one of the funniest things ever

http://www.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video ... 2583be6925
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Postby ballerMaMi » Thu May 31, 2007 8:41 pm

^^^ :shock: that was rather scary!
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Postby DETON8ER » Sat Jun 30, 2007 10:32 am

damn havent been here for a long time.. need too change that lol:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xq956JmU1LE[/youtube]
Last edited by DETON8ER on Sat Jun 30, 2007 10:54 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby DETON8ER » Sat Jun 30, 2007 10:37 am

Illusions:
How many black dots can you spot?
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Are the horizontal lines parallel or do they slope?
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How many legs does this elephant have?
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Postby DETON8ER » Sat Jun 30, 2007 10:42 am

Can you find the 13 hidden faces?
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The Old Mans Bird
Theres an old man laying on the beach naked
and a little girl was pasing buy she stops and
stairs at the man and asked mister what is that.
the man says what the little girl says that between
your legs the man says oh that well the thing
that is standing is the bird the two things
on the side are the eggs and the thing around
it is the nest ok the old man asked her to leave
so he can get some sun he falls asleep when
he wakes up there are peramedics around him
he asked what happen the peramedic said ask
the little girl the old man calls her over
what happen the little girl said when you went
to sleep I tryed to make the bird fly I pulled
and pulled but he got big and spit at me so
I kicked the bird smashed the eggs and burnd
the nest.


How to Get A Good Night Sleep
By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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Postby DETON8ER » Sat Jun 30, 2007 10:47 am

Doctor Notes:
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I
requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top
line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he
was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to
finish the exam.


Disorder in the Court!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. __________________________________ Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year. __________________________________ Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ________________________________________________ Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? _____________________________________ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. ______________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. __________________________________ Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? __________________________________ Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? __________________________________ Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? __________________________________ Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? __________________________________ Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? __________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? __________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. __________________________________ Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. __________________________________ Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. __________________________________ Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? __________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Postby DETON8ER » Sat Jun 30, 2007 10:53 am

Good & bad news
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???"

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."


New hearing aid
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


An ode to old age
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart

How old are you?
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

What is intelligence?
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, �intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
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Postby ballerMaMi » Thu Aug 02, 2007 7:14 pm

damn been a while since i've posted here;;;;

<b>What's the definition of bravery?

A man with diarrhea chancing a fart! </b>


One night at a club little red riding hood and the big bad wolf were getting their groove on. After hours of dancing and leading eachother on, they went back to his place. He asked her "come on please just let me stick it in." Little Red Riding hood replied 'Stick to to the story motherf**ker, EAT ME!

<b>why its not easy being a dick


you have one eye you can not see with. A head you can not think with. You hang out with a couple of nuts.your closest neighbor is an asshole and your best friend is a pussy.</b>


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
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Postby A-O » Tue Aug 07, 2007 1:07 am

2 of the meanest jokes ever!!! not for the faint of heart and not mine so dont blame me.

a mans wife is having a baby and hes too skitish to wait in the delivery room so the doctor walks out with the baby and says something amazing has happend the man says what is it the doctor says your baby can fly so the man stands there all shocked and the doctor drops the baby to the floor and it just falls and the doctor picks it back up and says wait wait lets try again and he chucks it at the wall and it just hits the wall and falls at this point hes just strangling the doctor and the doctor says i know and he drops it out the window and it falls 4 stories and splats and the man bursts into tears and the doctor just bursts out laughing its okay it was already dead

why did the baby cross the road , it was stapled to the chicken

:yikes:
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Postby STR3ET_BALL3R » Thu Oct 25, 2007 9:28 am

ok me joke make for all u ppl in thread of this:


one man one guy walk in strait line with big tyger in hand say hello? say helo? but no repling but anover one say hi :laugh: :laugh: then banm haha and see wat i say u is like fat man takin poo in woods then man say wat me and one say no look belllow :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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how to write a collage paper

Postby ballerMaMi » Thu Oct 25, 2007 11:16 am

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop her.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, seriously, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
13. Listen to the other side.
14. Check your email.
15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the world at large.
17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor their special flavor.
19. Check your email.
20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to “Sgt. Preston of the Yukon” is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowlers Tour
b) any movie starring Don Ameche
21. Catch the last hour of “Soul Brother of Kung Fu” on Channel 26.
22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
23. Check your email.
24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom miror.
25. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask whoeveryone is.
26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trenchcoated strangers lurking in the hall.
28. Check your email.
29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
32. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
33. Check your email.
34. Leap up and write the paper.
35. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.
36. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that darn paper
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Postby STR3ET_BALL3R » Sat Oct 27, 2007 3:28 pm

ok ok me trun agen:
one guy one man waka in holyood for cliafornia clifrnao again...this tyme he cray big ant like th small one in the army, the ant bite him, bity againn n he roon away , :laugh:
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Postby Ahmed » Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:12 pm

100 People Chasing Down Random People (Asians)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jU2CmczhEs

Too Funny
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Re: Funny/Dumb videos/Jokes -*Updated Daily*(well kind of)

Postby FirstAid » Tue Nov 17, 2009 10:06 pm

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMbVPMzSqYY[/youtube]
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